You may of course, not be.
Or you might be without realising it.
Or you may FULLY be aware of it.
Perfectionism can seem like it’s a misleading term and I’ve had a few of my clients tell me that they didn’t think they were, as they never get anything right, so how could they be? And it’s a very, very frequent issue I see among overwhelmed Mums.
Here are 10 very common signs of perfectionism, without realising it:
Quick to point out your mistakes.
Struggle to see the positives in your behaviours and achievements.
Easily feels guilty.
High self-criticism and sometimes quite critical of others behaviours/other people falling short a lot.
Struggles to ask for help or when you do, the other person struggles to do it in the right way.
Procrastination
Taking a long time to finish tasks.
Avoiding taking risks
Indecisive
All or nothing thinking - (e.g., I yelled at the kids, I’m such a bad Mum)
Perfectionism is never about being perfect. It’s an unrelenting standard, where you’re always falling short. There’s always a different way to be handling something. Something else you should be doing. Something to worry about. Things to feel guilty about. Something else that you should be doing to make someone else feel better.
Essentially, it’s an overall sense that yourself worth is connected to your achievement. It’s a manageable problem in the workplace or relationships even, until you become a parent.
Eventually, perfectionism is going to tap you on the shoulder, in the form of,
guilt, exhaustion, anxiety, depression or sickness of some form or another, in your body.
The good thing is, that once you realise it, get your head around it and truly understand it, you’ll learn something fundamental about yourself, that is there to be healed.
It’s gradual work really, I’m a perfectionist in recovery too and so are many of my clients. But I absolutely love it when I hear things from my clients such as:
I never feel guilty anymore, when I do something for myself.
I’m going to focus on saying no and saying yes to more things that make me feel uncomfortable.
I told them how I felt, and I didn’t feel bad about it,
That’s a "them" problem, not a "me" problem.
What Do You Think?
Any of these ideas shining some lights on your behaviour?
The Western world essentially sets women up to be good girls, so it’s EXTREMELY common to have these traits among women (and men too in slightly different ways this can manifest). Our western culture 100% supports are to only feel successful or good about ourselves when we’re succeeding. Or that we must be cooperative, be nice, keep our thoughts to ourselves, not upset others, all for the sake of suppressing our own needs, as our needs don’t matter.
I’m here to tell you that you do matter. Just as must as anyone else on the planet.
So, what are you going to do that might start to chip away on some of these signs I mentioned?
Self-Compassion…
Is an important road to tackling perfectionism. And usually something that many, many self-critical, struggle with a lot. But I guarantee you that you can’t shame your way into change. Shame is a terrible motivator. It’s a destructive way to encourage children to cooperate (even though this is a very common method, again in our western culture, there is a strong legacy of its use from authoritarian methods of parenting).
Humans work much better with continued encouragement - (you’ve got this! It’s ok to make mistakes. What can you learn from this problem?), in comparison with a nasty shame stick. You’re the same as anyone else, when you speak to yourself kindly, a lot can start to shift.
My Small Therapeutic Suggestion for Today…
Notice how many times in a day, you:
say something mean to ourselves e.g. I’m a bad Mum,
say “I should xyz,” out loud or internally!
apologise unnecessarily!
Practice self-compassion. You can do this, by replacing your should, with could. Replacing your sorry with, thanking the other person e.g., "thanks for waiting, instead of I’m sorry I’m late.”
AND if you haven’t listened to the Compassionate Hand MP3, you can grab it here - Keep Sane and Parent On | Eastern Shore Psychology
Practice this over and over again. It does work, with repetition! But it can be hard to do it on your own. Our brains are very good, for many different reasons, at talking ourselves out of compassionate speak. You may have been doing it all your life, so there’s no quick fix.
Hence, why going to therapy, developing a relationship with a therapist, to learn specific skills and continued accountability to work on your patterns is helpful.
Further, it’s also why I’ve developed Your Sanctuary, as there is so much power in Mums helping each other out. A voice is powerful, when it’s coming from a compassionate group and when we’re publicly declaring the changes we’re going to make.
It would be great if you can join us for the first round of Your Sanctuary: Your Online Support Group for Exhausted Mums. We’re kicking off on Thu Aug 10!
This will include deep dives into worry/perfectionism, self-compassion, anger, low mood, overwhelm and transforming your relationships.
Sarah Purvey is a clinical psychologist, Mum of 2, author and the founder and director of Eastern Shore Psychology, in Hobart, Tasmania. Sarah supports parents to improve their mental health and those experiencing PTSD/Complex PTSD.
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